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Love Letter 3

Dear Kinti,

I have come to the conclusion that not only are you a muse for my art, our relationship is MEDICINE for my soul.

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to bring my whole self into our encuentros. I feel safe to dance with my shadows, my insecurities, my fears, my doubts, my joys, my visions, my dreams and witness how together through sharing authentically, vulnerably, singing, playing, crying, laughing we alchemize our witch’s brew into deeper love.
I am full of gratitude for our wild dance community and for me, the ecstatic dance was an integration of thoughts and words I had been processing put into an embodied practice, penetrating deep into my cellular memory. I felt so much freedom and permission to simply be as I am and to continue listening deeper each time to my body’s messages.

What is alive in my body when I feel REALLY GOOD?
And how can I invite in more of that goodness into my heart?
How can I keep softening into, leaning into, blossoming into the expansive trusting beauty within me and around me?
And what does it feel like in my body when there’s an icky thought or sensation?

Well I had made a commitment to myself, to do my best to always send you the purest expression of love from my heart. And it feels like an interesting experiment of Bluetooth… how far can this range of love extend? Sometimes, when I am thinking of you or writing to you I wonder if you can feel me calling upon the presence of your spirit? It would be fun to practice our telepathy, no?
There were moments in the dance where I felt so truly present in my body and then this thought would roll through my mind, “Where are YOU? I want YOU!.” And in my body, that felt like clinging, grasping, contraction. So I breathed in expansion and I remembered, “wherever you are right now, I send you love and blessings, truly embodying the feeling that whatever you are doing, I wish you well with all of my heart.” And just connecting to the love flowing within me and dancing into this expansive heart energy already felt way better in my body than the icky fermented mind jumble. And then I would ask myself, why am I craving YOU? What is it that I need or desire, and remove YOU from the equation. Sometimes I felt that I needed to feel sensual, or playful, or wild, or share physical closeness and I could share these desires with you and I could also give that to myself. By connecting to the energy that wanted to move through me, I would sink deeper into the flow of my own river and then I would begin to feel juicy goodness coursing through my veins. And that would often lead me to find others who were moving in the same way that I so craved and a magical connection would occur! So I became curious about creating more connections based on the quality of energy and emotions that were alive in me, releasing all attachments and expectations, and those were the moments in which I felt most alive. I really felt like the wave of energy took hold of me and I truly lost control, even in moments where I felt a cramp in my side and I couldn’t steady my breath and warm sweat dripped from every pore, I couldn’t stop dancing my prayers!

Eventually, my body’s intelligence took hold and asked for a water break. When I sat to the side, catching my breath, sipping aguita, observing all of the unique expressions of love in motion, I felt so much fullness. From this view, I witnessed you and Kari dancing with a belt around your waists and first I just took it in, without any desires of my own, simply to witness. As I observed the closeness, the intimacy, the trust, the sensuality, the joy, I began to feel like, “Hey, there are two people that I love sharing a really sweet moment, it looks like so much fun and I would love to be a part of it!” I questioned for a second if my presence would be intruding, but I had no desire to take away from the beauty that was already unfolding, I simply wanted to be a sprinkle of love on top of the love that was already brewing. I noticed how sometimes if there’s an empty space next to someone that I love, I may lean in to it, or I may get so trapped in my mental spirals, that I stay paralyzed. I remembered that it’s okay to slide into an open space when I feel called from my heart. So as I stood I began to mirror the tone, flavor, color I was perceiving in your dance and I gave myself permission to walk right on over with love. And lo and behold, I was welcomed! Even if I was “rejected” from the duo, I feel that it wouldn’t have impacted me much because I was clear from the onset, that I was being drawn in from my heart to your hearts, not from the mind. And as I danced into your bodies, I felt so welcomed and embraced in playful love. It seems that when there is a foundation of love, there is always space for the love to expand infinitely in every direction.
And so later on, toward the end of the dance, when I was frolicking around singing, “Pachamama en este fuego,” at the top of my lungs, it felt so natural to spiral into each other, sing to each other, hum into each other’s ears, press our foreheads near. Through dancing with you, I had some ideas roll in about some new bits of contact improvisation practices I can sprinkle into the mix, the next time we improvise with our bodies.

Yesterday, a woman came over to my house whom I have been supporting in vocal activation for a little while. She arrived with many vulnerable emotions and teary eyes. When I held space for her, she then apologized for often showing up in an emotional process. I told her that not only were her full spectrum of emotions welcome, I deeply appreciated her trust in me, her courage in sharing her vulnerability, and her willingness to share what is truly alive for her. After saying that, I had a de ja vu from the day before, when you had also said that you not only welcome but appreciate my vulnerability. I integrated in that moment how nourishing it is for me to be seen by you and how your generous loving reflection heals me so that I may show up in compassion and receive others just as they are for all that they are.

Thank you for being in my life, you wise, humble teacher.
Thank you for receiving my stream of consciousness reflections.
Wishing you well and sending you love through a long range Bluetooth.

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